How NOT to plan a party
Jacquie Brasher

I usually never plan anything too far ahead because, invariably, something will go wrong. I broke that cardinal rule last week when I impulsively decided, just a few days in advance, to "surprise" Alan for his birthday. I thought it might be fun to pass the word around that we would surprise him after Art Stroll at a friend's house. You know the old Yiddish proverb "Man plans, God laughs"? Well, no truer words were ever written.

The problem with trying to plan a last-minute-surprise party is that someone, somewhere, somehow will let the proverbial cat out of the bag. Another problem with surprise parties is that the word never actually gets around as far as you think it did, and someone, somewhere, somehow thinks he or she wasn't invited. Yes, Murphy's Law went into full gear on Saturday and most things that could go wrong, did.

On Saturday night during Art Stroll, someone Who Shall Remain Nameless wished Alan a happy birthday. He told me later that he was bewildered as to how this person knew about his birthday. (That's because he never tells anyone.) He said, "Uh, thanks, but it's actually tomorrow," at which this person responded, "Oh, but the party's tonight, right?" And with that, the cat shot out of the bag and streaked across the street at breakneck speed. Surprise!

Then I found out that some people felt they weren't invited. This is always the tricky part when trying to plan a hasty party. The group of people we hang out with is relatively small, so I just assumed the word would get to everyone if I didn't get around to actually spreading it myself. It usually does. But the word "assume," as we all know, is highly problematic. (To any friends reading this who feel they weren't included in the festivities, please know that you were. The word just didn't get around like brushfire as I had hoped.)

As if things couldn't get worse, during the Art Stroll, someone else Who Shall Remain Nameless asked me if I was pregnant! My lame response was, "No, I'm just fat." What I should have said was, "Well, if I am it must be Divine Intervention because I have no uterus!" You know, I'm not the kind of woman who subscribes to the Hollywood and-glamour magazine versions of beauty, and I have a pretty healthy attitude towards my body, but come on! Isn't there some kind of Miss Manners social rule about things like this? That's like asking someone, "Hey, did a bee sting you or is your nose just huge?" or "Do you have the measles or is that just bad acne?" or "Did you get butt implants or is your rear end ballooning?"

Thankfully, I have a sense of humor and I do see the funny side. Well, I often see the humor after I've wailed and moaned about it! The party was great and Alan had a good time. We have wonderful friends who make it all possible. However, it might be cold day in hell before I ever plan another surprise party, and the next person who thinks it's kosher to ask if I am "with child" may (or may not) live to regret it. Don't you mess with a full-figured woman!- Jacquie Brasher is the Rubenesque senior writer for The Forest-Blade and may be reached at jacquie@forest blade.com

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