A hypothetical cat conversation
Dharma & Viking

Viking: Hey, I heard mom's mom is coming to visit! Did you hear that, Dharma? Did you? Huh? Did you? Does that make her my grandmother? Huh? Hey, yoo hoo! Are you asleep? Dhaaaaarma!

Dharma: Shut up.

Viking: You're awake! Oh, good. I need to ask you a few questions about grandma. What's she like? Is she cool? Will she like me? Hey. Dharma. Hey! Come on, tell me, tell me, tell me!

Dharma: I said shut up and I meant it. Shut up!

Viking: Oh, come on, Dharma! Pleeeeease? You're my big brother and I need to know what grandma is like. I want to make a good impression.

Dharma: I'm not your big brother, you furball. We're not related. Get that?

Viking: Okay, so we're not blood-related, but you are WAY older than me- you're practically an old man, so that makes you my older brother, right? And you need to tell me about grandma! I know you've seen her lots of times, but I haven't. You need to tell me how to act! Come on, man! Give a brother a break!

Dharma: (Indignant.) I am NOT old, you whippersnapper! And like I said before, Mr. Short-Term Memory, I am NOT your brother! And I don't have to tell you about grandma because she loves ME and not you. So there!

Viking; Man, that's cold! How can you say that? I'm sure she'll love me, too! I'm completely lovable! Look at me- I ooze charm and love! I love everyone! Everyone loves me! I'm adorable!

Dharma: (Yawn.) Keep telling yourself that, kiddo. It'll get you through some lonely nights. For the record, I'm the Number One Grandson and you, my fidgety feline friend, will never measure up.

Viking: (Chewing on a cushion.) Oh, yes I will! I've been watching you. I know how to behave. I can be perfectly obedient! I can, I can, I can!

Dharma: Ha ha HAH! That's a laugh. Are you gonna quit running around the house like a horse on steroids? Are you gonna stop jumping on things and making them topple over? Are you going to cease your frenzied, ridiculous behavior? Are you?

Viking. (Thinking hard.) Ummm. Sure. Yeah. I could do that!

Dharma: You are so full of poop. You can't, and I know you can't!

Viking: I could try! You could help me! Help me, help me, help me!

Dharma: Oh no, don't rope me into this. I'm not helping you one bit. You're on your own, buddy boy.

Viking: Oh, please Dharma! Help me make a good impression on grandma! Please, please, please, please, please...

Dharma: Oh, shut up, will you? Okay, okay. One word of advice, Stringbean. Do NOT act like a stupid dog would. She hates that. Be dignified. Sedate. Calm. Like me, get it?

Viking: (Bouncing around in excitement.) I can do that! I can do that! I can do that!

Dharma: (Sleepily amused.) Actually, I just remembered something. Grandma kinda likes it if you pounce on her the moment you see her. Go for her toes. She really likes that. Yeah. Go for her toes.

Viking: Really? Wow! I could do that real easy. I'm a good pouncer! I pounce on everything! Pounce, pounce, pounce!

Dharma: (Rolls his eyes.) Yes, I know.

Viking: (Jumping off the furniture, onto the kitchen counter.) Just the toes? Can I shoot for her ankles, too? Would she like that? Huh? Huh? Dharma? Would she like that?

Dharma: (Going back to sleep.)Yep. Go for it, buddy. She'll love it. Now shut up and leave me alone.

Viking: Grandma's coming to see me! Whoohooooooooooo!

Dharma: (Smiling in his dreams). It's good to be King.- Jacquie Brasher is senior staff writer for The Forest- Blade and may be reached at jacquie@forest-blade.com

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