Wonderful wordplay
 | | Wally Gallian |
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This week, I would like to share with you some wordplay e-mails I have received recently. Being a student of the English language as we all are, I hope you enjoy these as much as I have. Thanks to two of my brothers-in-law, Jim and Kevin, and Uncle Donald for supplying these laughers.
The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here is a partial list of this year's winners:
--- Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
--- Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
--- Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very,very high.
--- Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
--- Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
--- Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
--- Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
--- Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
--- Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
--- Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
--- Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
--- Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
Also from The Washington Post are a few submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners include:
--- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
--- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
--- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
--- Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
--- Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. --- Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
--- Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
And finally, here are a few gems from a Catholic elementary school test. These are from papers turned in by students and have not been edited.
--- Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
--- The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
--- The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
--- Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
--- The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
--- Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony. Wally Gallian is publisher of The Forest-Blade and can be reached at wgallian@forest-blade.com
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