I am the king of the castle
Dharma

I know I haven't written in a while. I've been concentrating on my novel, intriguingly entitled Cat House. I appreciate all the calls and letters asking me what I've been up to, but when you're a famous cat like me, time is precious. However, I've recently experienced a shocking turn of events that has propelled me to write this column. It's really quite an abomination. Prepare yourself. The humans I live with have made the grievous mistake of bringing another cat into MY house! Now, I ask you, is that fair? Are they insane? Where is the justice in this world?

First of all, this cat, whom they have named "Viking," is an interloper. He's a fraud and a charlatan. He probably belongs to several different households and is taking my humans for a ride. But do they care? Nooooo. Oh sure, Whatshername put an ad in the paper for three weeks and no one answered, so now she thinks Viking is her responsibility. Pooh. And, by the way, what kind of nutty name is Viking, anyway? What is he, some kind of conqueror or something? Big fat hairy deal. So what if he's an orange tabby with yellow eyes? I've seen millions of them. He's not special. He's also very young and completely undisciplined. He's probably a year old and I'm in my golden year of 15. I have seniority like 10 times over. This young upstart bounces off the furniture like he's a lunatic rubber ball. You should see him running after a stupid ball of yarn. You'd think that ball of yarn had a filet mignon tied to it. I, too, could run after yarn like that. I just choose not to.

Here's the kicker. They took him to the vet and had him fixed. I don't mind that at all, to tell you the truth. After all, if I had to go through it, why not him? But that means he's here to stay! And that makes me mad. I am an only child. Another cat in the house is unacceptable. I work alone. They even got him his own litter box--his own personal bathroom! Such extravagance. He should use the great outdoors, like all other mangy cats of his kind. If he thinks he's going to take over my house, he's dumber than I thought. I'll admit, I've swatted him a few times, and even bit his posterior once. That was pretty funny. He looked suitably stunned, too. And I'm not sorry!

If Whatshername and Guitar Dude think I'm going to make this easy for them, they live in La-La Land. I did not adopt them with the condition that they could invite another feline into my house. I should've made them sign a contract, but I was foolish enough to trust them. Hey, maybe I could sue them for breach of promise! I'm pretty sure they said they would never get another cat, and they lied. That's a great idea- I'll get a lawyer! (If there are any attorneys out there who would work for tuna fish, I'm hiring you now.)

Viking thinks he's safe, but he'd better watch out. I may put cayenne pepper in his catnip if he's not careful. Everyone knows not to mess with me. I'm the boss.- Jacquie Brasher is senior staff writer for The Forest- Blade and the frazzled mother of two tabbies. She can be reached at jacquie@forest-blade.com

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